


until this song (that has no answer) reaches tomorrow

by jsrjjvj7synhjtj (gotyourflower)



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Baekchen - Freeform, Chenbaek - Freeform, Cross-Posted on AFF, English's not my mother tongue, Love Letters, M/M, What Was I Thinking?, baekchen is life, hope u like it anyway, this is crap lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-10
Updated: 2015-06-10
Packaged: 2018-04-03 18:59:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4111594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gotyourflower/pseuds/jsrjjvj7synhjtj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I know you might never forgive me so there's actually no point in writing this letter but well, I guess I'm really desperate so I'm gonna keep scribbling down my thoughts. I don't want to sound cheesy in what you will read soon... Nor do I want you to pity me... I just wanted you to know how I've felt toward you ever since I first laid my eyes on you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	until this song (that has no answer) reaches tomorrow

**Author's Note:**

> Because highschool!au are the best and that baekchen gives me life.  
> Sorry if there are any grammar mistakes, I'm not a native speaker, please do tell me in the comments if there are any big mistake. Hope you enjoy this piece of crap~ c:
> 
> (the title comes from Whalien 52 by BTS cuz i'm bts trash too fml.)

_Dear Baekhyunnie (do I still have the right to call you that, though?),_

_I know you might never forgive me so there's actually no point in writing this letter but well, I guess I'm really desperate so I'm gonna keep scribbling down my thoughts. I don't want to sound cheesy in what you will read soon... Nor do I want you to pity me... I just wanted you to know how I've felt toward you ever since I first laid my eyes on you._

_Do you remember that day, last year? It was a sunny Monday on September, the first day of our junior school year. You were sitting on that old bench made of stone in the school courtyard. I don't exactly know what first caught my eyes on you... Maybe it was your cute pout, or your baby face, or maybe the fact that you were as small as me – people often make fun of my height you know... Or probably because you were on your own whereas all the other students were surrounded by their friends, excited to see them again after two whole months of holidays. You were new at school so you didn't have a lot of friends to hang out with yet. I didn't know much about you. I only knew from one of my friends that your name was Byun Baekhyun and that you had just moved to this city with your two parents and your older brother. I wanted to talk to you, befriend you... Don't be mad at me, but I guess I pitied you a little at that time. When I saw you so lonely that day, when I saw this sad expression plastered on your face, you looked like a poor thing that hopelessly needed friends. Thanks be to God, this image of you as a little puppy that I sorta needed to protect as an older brother quickly changed. I was about to walk toward you when I froze in my step. You had just turned your head in my direction and our eyes locked. Time stopped for a few seconds... Do you remember how magical those seconds were? Well, I don't know how you felt but to me, they were magical. I can still feel those butterflies flying through my stomach when we looked into each other's eyes. Could you feel those butterflies too? Or was I the only one? During those seconds, those precious seconds we exchanged our first stare, I saw no one but you. You didn't look like a poor thing anymore. You just looked… gorgeous, beautiful – can we say of a man that he’s beautiful? I guess we can. Then I noticed a blush creeping on your face. I chuckled a little at your cuteness and you lowered your gaze to your lap. I think I'll never forget them. Those short seconds... They were breathtaking. Did they remain inscribed in your memory too? I hope so. I didn't know you at all, yet I felt like we were meant to be friends – or maybe more than mere buddies. I didn't get the chance to reach you as the bell which indicated the beginning of our first period rang. I threw you a last glance – you had already got up from that dirty bench and were walking away – then turned around, making my way to my own first class._

_I don't remember well what happened in the rest of the morning. I just recall the fact that I didn't much pay attention to the lesson the teacher was giving. My body was in the class, sat on an old chair before an old dirty table with lots of teenagers' scribbles, next to Luhan, the Chinese exchange student – and also the friend who told me about you –, but my mind wasn't there. I was daydreaming, as always. And do you want to know what I was daydreaming about? You. I was thinking about you. About the intensity I spotted in your eyes when I got the chance to look into them a few hours before. Gosh, you can't even imagine how confused I felt when I exited my last period of the morning and realized I had just spent the whole forenoon thinking about a guy I barely knew, a guy I hadn't even spoken with, a guy I had first seen this same day... Was I in love with you? Love at first sight huh? Maybe. I guess it was. Who would resist a cutie pie like you anyway? I had never fallen in love with anyone else before. I won't hide you that I was slightly taken aback when I realized I might be gay – or at least bi. I wasn't one bit homophobic or whatsoever. It was just new. Come to think of it, it explains a lot of things. For instance, why I had never felt attracted to any girls, whether it was in middle school or high school. I was friend with lots of very pretty girls, and we were very close. They would always hug me, kiss me on the cheeks at many times. Some even serenaded me and asked me out. One even dared to touch my lower body part – of course I pushed her away. But I had never felt one bit aroused or interested by them. I tried to get more information about you that morning. I asked many people and all they knew was that you were the newbie of the school and that you had pretty good grades at school..._

_You know, I read a science article a few days ago... It said that we only keep in memory the most precious moments. I can clearly remember all those moments I've spent with or even near you. Guess you became more precious to me than I first expected. I first thought it was a mere teenager's crush. "This feeling toward this barely known dude is gonna leave soon Jongdae!" I kept mumbling to myself in my bed every night before falling asleep. As you can figure it out, that crush didn't disappear. It only grew bigger by each day, slowly turning into love. Because yes, Byun Baekhyun, I love you. I'm a boy who's in love with another boy. In this country, being gay is not something people can really be proud of. Though, I'm not ashamed at all to say aloud that I, Kim Jongdae, am head over heels in love with you._

_Do you want me to remind you some of those moments I cherish the most? Well, at noon, the exact same day we first met, you were standing on your own again in the middle of the corridor which led to the cafeteria. I guess in one morning you hadn’t got the time to make some friends. I had just dropped by my locker and was about to enter the big room to have lunch when our eyes locked together for the second time. You didn't have to utter a word. I knew. I knew you were actually silently asking me to help you. To help you not to feel lonely. So I came to you, Luhan following right after me. I stopped before you and extended my right hand for a handshake. I remember you looked at me with wide eyes and God knew how hard it was to restrain myself from pinching those puffy checks of yours at that moment. "My name's Baekhyun" you politely introduced yourself, though I already knew your name. I wanted to know more about you. I wanted to know everything, every details. Was it the same for you? You shyly took my hand and I gladly shook it. "Nice to meet you hm…" you didn't know my name... It kinda crushed my heart a little bit you know. I knew your name but you didn't know mine. I couldn't be mad at you, though. It wasn't your fault if you weren't as interested by me as I was by you. "Jongdae, my name's Jongdae" I told you. You faintly smiled and bowed at Luhan who bowed at you in return, his lips curled up in a warm smile. I invited you to eat at the same table as my Chinese friend and me. Can you still recall how fast you accepted my offer? As though you were afraid I might change my mind in a matter of seconds... I wasn't about to. I was craving to know more, I would've been a mad man if I had finally decided not to eat with you. Plus, I didn't want you to have lunch on your own. I didn't want to see that sad expression on your face again. I was craving to see you smile, to hear you laugh... Can you still remember how I asked you tons and tons of questions about you while you were chewing on your food? Can you still recall how my eyes were glued on you when you answered me? When the bell eventually rang again, I remember sighing heavily in annoyance. I didn't want to leave your side. I still couldn't claim myself as one of your friends since I wasn't even sure whether you appreciated my gut or not but one thing I was sure about was that I was happy near you. Were you happy near me too? I wish you were. Isn't that utterly strange? I'd known you for a couple of hours and I still felt like we'd been friends since forever. Did you feel that way too? I remember how I smiled from ear to ear when a cute laugh escaped your thin lips when I told you one of my lame jokes. I remember how butterflies started flying through my belly once again when my hand brushed yours. I remember how you started flushing when I told you we should definitely hang out together. I remember how I once again restrained myself from giving you a bones-crushing hug. All those moments, I can remember them. Because they're precious to me. Because they were with you. Because I love you._

_Time passed by and we became closer and closer to each other. Each day it was harder... Harder not to reveal you everything. Everything about how I felt toward you. Try to understand me, I didn't know how you would react. I didn't want to waste this great friendship we had built together. There was one day I almost told you everything. Can you remember it? It was a rainy day on November. The forgetful jerk you are had forgotten to bring an umbrella again. You were wet from head to toe and were waiting in the hall for the rain to stop. But it was getting dark and I didn't want you to come back to your home late at night. Though my umbrella was too small to cover two persons. Stupid umbrella. I should actually thank it, I guess. Thanks to this stupid too small umbrella, I was able to stand inches away from you. Do you remember why? I had given it to you and told you I could walk to my home under the rain, that I didn't mind but you refused to let me go. Instead, you grabbed my hand, opened the umbrella and led the two of us outside. You kept me very close to you by your left hand and held the umbrella with your other hand. I remember being so close to you that I was almost able to count your eyelids. You were nervous, weren't you? I could almost smell your nervousness. That rainy day, were you nervous because of me? Because we were standing too close to each other? For a few minutes, I imagined some nonsense scenarios in which I loved you and you loved me back. For a few minutes, I thought about telling you those three precious words. I love you... Three words... It's nothing. It doesn't even take three seconds to say them out loud. But I couldn't bring myself to voice them. I just couldn't. You were straight. I knew it. You had said it to me two days after our first meeting. I knew it from the very start. Though I couldn't stop loving you.. I remember how I put this stupid idea about confessing to you at the back of my head and how I avoided staring at your blushing face for the rest of the walk. Do you remember? That moment I almost said those words..._

_After that rainy day, I started avoiding you... It hurt you, didn't it? Every time you suggested me to wander downtown with you, I turned it down, protesting I had something important to do, such as helping my mother out or studying for an upcoming exam. You knew I was lying to you, right? I knew you knew. There was this expression on your face each time I refused to spend time with you... This expression of disappointment. You never told me to stop lying. You never scolded me for not being true to you. Why? I guess I'll never get the answer..._

_One month. Two months. Three months passed by. I avoided you so much that we stopped talking to one another. It hurt me. But I had to keep myself away from you. If I had come close to you, then I wouldn't have been able to restrain myself from shouting those stupid words to you. I'm a coward. I know it. I didn't want to confess to you in order not to break our precious friendship and finally, I destroyed it by keeping myself from confessing to you. How ironic, isn't it?_

_Even though I didn't approach you anymore, I kept looking at you. My eyes were glued on you. I had eyes for no one but you. Could you sense them on you? I guess you could. I was so obvious that you had to be very dumb not to spot me._

_I know I hurt you. A lot. You might never forgive me for being such a coward. I could get on my knees and beg for your pardon but I don't even deserve it. I don't even know why I'm writing this letter. I shouldn't have the right to speak to you. I shouldn't have the right to even look at you or think of you. I don't deserve you. I guess I really can't stand being away from you. I know you have all the rights to loathe me, to spit on me, to burn this letter and never talk to me again but I can't live without you, Byun Baekhyun. You're my oxygen. I feel oppressed when you're not by my side. I really can't keep those words for myself. That's too much. My heart can't handle it anymore. I love you Byun Baekhyun. I've loved you from the very start and I'll love you until my death, which means you'll have to bear my love for you for a very long time, unless I suddenly die from a horrible illness or a terrible car accident – the chances that I die from this are really close to zero, though. You must be disgusted of me now, thinking that I'm an eyesore for being a boy who fell in love with another boy. I know you'll probably never come back to me after reading my lame letter but I wanted you to know how much you're precious to me, how much I love you._

_Your former best friend, Kim Jongdae._

 

 

 

***

Jongdae finally finished writing his letter. He put down his pencil and looked at what he had just written with a sad yet satisfied look. He carefully folded it and shoved it into his backpack before rushing downstairs. He pulled on his shoes and grabbed his black coat hanging at the back of the front door. "Fuck it's raining..." he cursed under his breath as he opened the door of his home. "Mum" he shouted, "I'm going outside, I've got something to give to Baekhyun" he informed her so that she wouldn't worry too much. He didn't wait for her answer before rushing outdoors. "Lu fucking Han, you could've given me back my umbrella..." he cursed internally again as he started running under the rain.

 

 

***

Why did it have to ring? One ring bell... One single ring bell had just crushed his world into billions of pieces.

"Hello?" the short boy voiced as he picked up the call without bothering to check who it was.

"Baekhyun... It's Jongdae's mother." the familiar voice said at the other end of the line.

"Oh Mrs Kim!" he finally exclaimed when he recognized the voice. "What's going on?" he inquired, worried.

"Jongdae... Passed away."

Baekhyun froze, shocked. His cell phone fell on the floor as tears silently started rolling down his cheeks. He remained frozen for a couple of minutes, his brain registering the information. His mother was joking, right? It couldn't be true. It was another one of Jongdae's lame jokes. He loves pranking people so it actually does make sense that his mother does too, right? But she wouldn't make fun of such a thing. Baekhyun knew his best friend's mother could laugh about lots of things but she wouldn't laugh about her own son's death... So it wasn't a joke... He knew she wasn't kidding but he just couldn't accept the fact it was true. Slowly, the pain was replaced by anger. His blood began boiling in his veins. Without even realizing it, as if he wasn't the master of his actions anymore, Baekhyun bent down and picked up the phone on the cold floor before screaming to the middle-aged woman. "No! You gotta be kidding me! He's not dead! He's not dead! Stop playing around now! It's not funny anymore! Tell your son that he should stop with his fucking stupid lame jokes!" He could faintly hear her friend's mother but actually, he didn't want to listen to what she was saying. All he knew was that he wanted to yell, cry, break everything around him, hit someone, and cry again. Furious, he grabbed the vase set on the table near him and angrily threw it on the floor. It shattered into millions of pieces and the tiles were now recovered by water and flowers. Baekhyun breathed heavily, looking at what he had just done. He crouched down and broke down into hot tears. Ten or maybe twenty minutes, he didn't really know, passed by and he finally regained his mind. He started fidgeting with the little glass fragments and hissed in pain when it slightly cut his finger. A trickle of blood started running down his finger to the floor and he looked at it blankly for a few minutes before deciding that he was now calm enough to ask his mother. She hadn't hung up yet and he was really thankful to her. She could have just let him go through this little crisis alone and never tell him what happened but no, she had patiently waited for him to regain his sense.

He hesitated for a few more minutes, not really sure whether he really wanted to know what had happened.

"H-How?" he finally dared to ask.

"A drunk driver hit him when he was on his way to your home" she explained. "He said he had something to give you" Baekhyun could hear her crying silently. He was such a hypocrite jerk. He had made his little crisis, cried really loudly, broken things, and shouted at her that she was a liar, without even thinking that she may be as affected by his death than him – if not more.

"T-Thanks for telling me" and he quickly hung up, too much in pain to ask further information. He hadn't even apologized to her for being so rude. "You're such a pathetic idiot, Byun Baekhyun" he scoffed after carelessly dropping his cell phone on the floor. He dragged himself to his bedroom and flopped down on his bed, burying his face in his pillow. "It's a nightmare, right? I'm gonna wake up soon and you'll be right here, stroking my hair like you always do whenever I'm scared. It's a nightmare... A plain nightmare. Nothing of this is true. It's just a nightmare" he tried to convince himself. He was just too much of a coward to accept the truth. Jongdae was never going to come back. He was gone forever. He had abandoned him. He was all alone now.

 

 

 

***

Baekhyun sat on his desk chair, looking blankly at the folded envelop. This letter. This letter Jongdae had written for him was laid before him. It's been four weeks now. Four weeks that his beloved best friend wasn't among them anymore. Four weeks that Baekhyun had been crying his heart out every night. Four weeks that his friend's mother had given him the letter and that he didn't dare to open it, too afraid that he might break down again. He hadn't even been to his friend's funeral. Of course he had tried. But as soon as his feet touched the ground, he fell down back on his bed sheets and started crying his eyes out again. He looked horrible. He had puffy red eyes and he was much skinner than before. His face was extremely pale and he looked like he was about to faint at any time. It has been four weeks since he locked himself into his room, not turning on any lights and not opening his curtains. He has been mourning in the darkness of his bedroom ever since that call, not wanting to talk to anyone, not even his own parents. Those tried to comfort him but quickly gave up when they realized it was hopeless. His mother had entered his room just a few times. Two or three times to force him to eat and another time to put this envelop on his desk. Finally, after all this time, he was about to read it, stop being a coward and accept the fact this letter was the only thing left from his beloved best friend.

His little fingers finally reached the envelope and he opened it slowly and carefully.

 

 

 

***

"Kim fucking Jongdae" he started crying a little again, he had just finished reading the letter for the third times, "of course I forgive you..." now he couldn't control himself anymore. Tears wouldn't stop rolling, burning the skin of his cheeks. "I love you" he whispered. "I LOVE YOU" he now yelled, knocking all the air out of his lungs. "I loved you too" he kept murmuring for hours and hours until he finally fell asleep on his desk, the letter pressed on his chest.

 

 

***

  
"The chances that I die from this are really close to zero, though." They were close to zero, but you did die from such a thing...You still love me after your death, right? Because I do love you Kim Jongdae. I love you… I'm not sure when I started loving you back, but one thing I'm sure about is that I was happy near you too.

 

 

***

“I love you Kim Jongdae” Baekhyun whispered as he set a bouquet of purple roses on his lover’s grave, his lips curled up into a nostalgic smile.

 

 

 

**Kim Jongdae**

**September, 21th 1991**

**May, 5th 2008**

**Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal.**

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my fucking god, finally I managed to write it ! I've been working on this for two f*cking weeks ! *^* I hope you enjoyed it ! I wanted it to be perfect ! ♥ What do you guys think about the end of my OS? (Please don't hate me for killing Chen lol).
> 
> I don't really like reading sad-ending stories, I love writing them, though. Lol, yeah I know I'm weird. 
> 
> Anyway, please, comment if you've liked it~ 
> 
> Thanks for reading this crap~


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